Nobody said it was easy.

As humans we are far from invincible, yet we risk our lives on a daily basis--driving home late at night to sleep in our own beds, flying across the country for work or for play, swimming with sharks or skydiving for that rush of adrenaline to bring us back to reality. But when it's another person's life at risk, reality hits you in the face...and it can be hard to recover from.

When a tragedy affects us, it is natural to search for some type of meaning so that our minds can eventually make sense of the senseless. The phrase "Everything happens for a reason" is particularly cliche but often the only comforting thing we know to repeat to ourselves or offer others. It is also common to emerge from the grieving process with a renewed energy, because after examining our own lives we feel more appreciative; unfortunate circumstances seem to "put things in perspective", at least temporarily. Well, on a daily basis I have experiences that "put things in perspective". So when a completely preventable accident takes the life of a young, thriving, free spirited 26-year old...it is almost impossible to find anything positive to take away from it.

Rotating through the hospital, even the most unexpected illnesses are somewhat predictable. I am prepared to handle that. I am not, nor am I sure I ever will be, prepared to handle the unexpected deaths of family and friends. So instead of rationalizing my anger and sadness, I am going to let it be. Because I never want to become so desensitized to death and dying that I stop feeling angry or sad.

I also refuse to let those feelings overwhelm me because I would not be honoring the spirit of a friend who without a doubt believed that life is a party, and lived each day accordingly. So as I start my ER rotation and prepare to face dozens of experiences that should, in theory, "put things in perspective", I will instead go to work everyday and acknowledge that I am extremely fortunate to be doing what I love. Because unlike many others, that is exactly what Chase was doing when he passed away.

Rest in peace, friend. I'll see you on Thursday.